Limbo

Have you ever had those times when you feel like you're living in limbo?  That's me right now...waiting, with big things on the horizon.

I have not heard from Louisville about a potential job...but haven't heard if it's been filled (from my friends working there) either.

I have the all important neuro surgeon appointment Wednesday (was pushed from Monday because the doc had a conflict...more time waiting for me...thanks doc).

And bills kind of killed us this month, so I can't go to the grocery store, or any store for that matter.

So, I wait.

I'm waiting to cut my hair.  If I have to schedule surgery, it'll be short.  I don't want to deal with an incision on the back of my head with long hair.

I'm waiting to schedule any more vacation at work.

I'm waiting to buy sweaters for the winter.

And most of all...I'm waiting to find out when the pain I've endured for months will end.

I'm not very good at waiting.  Thought I would be, but in reality this limbo is killing me.  I don't know what to do with myself.  So...I'm doing a lot of killing time.  I've caught up with every TV show on-demand provides.  I'm making pies.  I'm spending a lot of time on Facebook. 

It's like I'm waiting for life to start...while trying to live life.  And it somehow makes me feel a little like I'm missing out.

changes

Breaking News: God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself.

A reporter back on the nightside shift (from an extended trip to another shift) told me yesterday that I seemed "calmer".  I find this amazing, because I hadn't even realized how I'd changed in the last year or so.

I've been sober now close to three years.  And while I pray every day that God take my will and guide me down a path to help others, I never really thought about until recently how that's become a reality.  The too-big-brain thing has really helped with that, I think.  I've been on auto-pilot for the last few weeks...letting God take the wheel rather than riding co-pilot.  It's working for me.

As to the calm comment...I guess I'm not that amazed.  I'm becoming the person I want to be (I've become that person?).  Part of the promises is that I will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle me...and while I'm still baffled a lot of the time, it doesn't bother me.

That's what "giving it to God" is all about, I guess:  pray for the best, suit up, show up, and let go of the outcome.  The outcome is what always throws me for a loop...but I've let go of so much that this calmness I now seem to exude is what letting go looks like.  So, whether I get the job in Louisville...have hoops to jump through at work...get brain surgery...I'm good if I do, good if I don't.

Weird.

sleep

I've always been the kind of person who's needed at least 9 hours sleep to function well.  Not function.  Function well. And since I've gotten sick it seems like I need so much more.


I always get up with the boy, though...and through all of this it's been nice to forget about what's going on, or how I feel to get him up and going.  He's a morning person, though, so it doesn't take much to get him moving in the morning.  Just ask him what kind of cereal he wants and away he goes!

These past few months I go back to bed after getting Doodle to school.  I used to do that, just not every day.  Now it seems like if I don't, I just won't make it.

Hubby's been great, letting me sleep in during the day.  Some days I sleep until I have to get up and go to work, ie. 1:45pm.

 It's like if I don't, I can't function.  The headaches take that much out of me.  I'm trying so hard to be myself despite the pain, fatigue and scatter-brainy-ness that I'm physically exhausted.  Weird how maintaining your personality can drain you physically.

Here's the funny part:  one of the symptoms of my issue is insomnia.  Not only not being able to get to sleep, but once you are asleep, after a few blissful hours, waking up for no reason. No. Reason.

So that's where I am tonight. Awake.  Small headache comparatively (3 on a scale of 10).  It's uncomfortable to swallow...oh, and I'm awake.  Did I mention I'm awake?

I have a Brain

Seriously...I do.  I have the pictures to prove it, and I'm getting more today.

Breaking News:  I'll soon have brain surgery.

I'm not necessarily happy about it, but it's not bad news either.

About 2 months ago, I woke up unable to turn my head without excruciating pain.  Went to the chiropractor, who was able to get me back into working, if not fighting strength.  Everything seemed to be OK, until weird things started to happen.  My hands would go numb.  I'd have strange sensations (like, for instance the sensation of someone pouring ice-water down my bicep...when I was in the middle of the newsroom, nowhere near any ice water).  My arm or hand would jump of it's own accord in some random direction.

Turns out...that's not normal.  Neither are the other things that have been going on for years: chronic pain, ringing in my ears, perpetual fatigue. 

All those symptons...are getting worse every day, and all things point to a surprisingly common brain/skull issue.

The way I describe it to anyone who asks is: my brain is too big for my skull and it's looking for a way out.  Actually, it's found it's way, and that's through my spine.  Well, not actually my spine, but the hole in the skull meant for my spine.  So, everything is cramming through that hole in my skull only meant for one thing...and it's jamming up my flow...or the flow of my spinal fluid.  And apparently that's not good.

So today I start a journey I never thought I would.  I get some pretty pictures of my brain (second time for that, I've already seen the first round...hence the proof).  And I see a neurosurgeon to see when he can cut into my head and give me some relief.

I'm a little afraid...and more ready to just get on with it!

from a family...to a couple

Breaking News:  the boy is off for two weeks with his grandparents in Texas.

This is not an uncommon summer situation at the Reynard house.  Because we've always lived a distance from our extended families (namely our parents), he's strapped on his backpack, put that unaccompanied minor pouch around his neck, and board a plane by himself to parts (un)known.

In the process, Jeff and I transform into what we were before...sort of.  We are now two instead of three.  We don't have the constant stream of consciousness of an 8-year-old running through the house.  And, frankly, we're a little lost at the beginning.

For example, yesterday after dropping Doodle off at the airport, I came home and took a 4 hour nap.  Good at the time...not so good when I wanted to go to bed last night.  Jeff was on the computer uninterrupted for that time and beyond...and frankly he seemed bored by the time I got home from my meeting at 9, and wanted to be right-up-next-to-me (it was hot...not a good time for snuggling).

I like this time and hate this time of year.  I'm glad Mercutio has a place to go and experience new things, away from me.  It gives him a chance to be independent.  It gives me a chance to catch my breath (because sometimes being a mom, and a wife, and a breadwinner is tough on my spirit). 

It also helps remind me that I am a wife, a second half of a couple, a partner.  That sometimes gets lost in the shuffle of the day to day drama of life.


So...we have a few days to get into our groove, enjoy each other, shake off the drama...and miss the boy.

I dream of camping

We don't go camping until the end of June...but I can't stop thinking about it.

I've learned that planning can be my downfall...because my expectations get me too hyped up, and when people don't meet the perfect picture in my head, I can fall apart.

Sooooo...I'm doing the planning that I can. 

Have one campsite book, and I'm looking for one other.

I'm making a list of what I need to outfit into my camping kit:  candles, spices, table cloth, cooler, xmas lights (saw that at a river camp last night, and I'm going to try it).

The hardest part is that I want to talk about it all the time, but I know it would be so boring for everyone around me. 

I guess I'll just keep it to myself...and blog about it.

Optimism

Breaking News:  I feel good!

After weeks of feeling frustrated and exhausted...I feel down right optimistic! 

Don't know what's gotten into me.  Maybe it's the last day of school for my son.  Maybe it's that sweeps is over.  Maybe it's the serenity that I've been praying for.  Whatever it is, I like it!

It's the Struggle that Hurts

Breaking News:  When you surrender, things tend to work out.

I woke up this morning feeling a little like I'd been run over by a truck.  It's the last few days of sweeps, and the hoops that I have to jump through are just about to undo me.

I have this philosophy towards my job:  bring it, every day.  Sometimes I bring more to the table than others, but most of the time, I have the goal of producing the absolute best newscast I possibly can.  Every. Day.  But there's a prevailing attitude that we as TV news people should bring more during sweeps.  Now, I don't think that your average person would be more likely to watch a newscast in May or February or November, as opposed to any other month of the year...but those are the months we try to grab you so our sales people can tell advertisers that you're watching us and not the competition.

Still, I try to do a good job day in and day out, and honestly, sweeps makes that hard to do.  I've had to try and get real news into an hour long newscast filled with American Idol promotions, Glee give-away live shots and some pretty bad 3 minute long features.

And I've just about killed myself doing it.

I don't mean to whine, but I'm doing it alone.  When I started in this job, there were three people working at producing the 10 O'clock News.  Now there's just me...and an EP who's really a glorified AP.

I've tried to take care of myself, but I've still gotten sick.  I've tried cutting down the coffee, but I still can't sleep.  I've missed my kid's soccer games.  I can't go home for dinner (an hour long reboot for my spirit).

Last night could have been the end (at least for my sanity).  There were so many moving parts to the show that I felt so afraid it would all fall apart.

Then I said a prayer.  I asked God to help me through...and for the serenity I so desperately needed.  I surrendered. And it all came into focus.

I was still a little frenetic, but not as scared.  It all worked out.

So it just goes to show, the pain is in the struggle...surrender and let God take over, and it all works out. 

Funny how that is...

Wedded Bliss

Breaking News:  I've been married to my husband Jeff 13 years today. 

Ours is the longest relationship I've had outside of family bar none.  It's kind of weird and kind of cool at the same time.

Why weird?  Because, in truth, I never thought I'd get married.  Jeff never thought he'd get married.  And they way we came to be married goes against all rules set up by romantic love stories since time began.  Not to mention 13 years is a long time...meaning, I've been around a long time...meaning, I'm getting older faster than I'd like.

Why cool?  Because I can't think of any friendship or love affair that I've every had, and want it to last this long...except with Jeff.  We fit better than any couple I know, now more than ever.  Jeff hung in there when I lost it.  I hung in there when he did.  And now that I'm working a program, and getting to know better who I am and how I affect my relationships, our bond is getting stronger because of it.

I think Jeff and I work, because we don't work too much.  We've learned to not sweat the small stuff...or should I say, I've learned to not sweat the small stuff.  I used to get so bogged down with the way things should look.  It was upsetting that I couldn't be super mom:  work, have the perfectly decorated home and the perfectly dressed and behaving family.  But I've come to realized that I am a super mom, not a super hero.  My kid is well-adjusted, happy, caring and respectful.  My house is a mess.  My husband is funny, smart and loving, and he treats me with respect I see other husbands withholding from their relationships.

Bottom line:  I'm lucky in a weird, good sort of way...and I'll take it.