Have you ever had those times when you feel like you're living in limbo? That's me right now...waiting, with big things on the horizon.
I have not heard from Louisville about a potential job...but haven't heard if it's been filled (from my friends working there) either.
I have the all important neuro surgeon appointment Wednesday (was pushed from Monday because the doc had a conflict...more time waiting for me...thanks doc).
And bills kind of killed us this month, so I can't go to the grocery store, or any store for that matter.
So, I wait.
I'm waiting to cut my hair. If I have to schedule surgery, it'll be short. I don't want to deal with an incision on the back of my head with long hair.
I'm waiting to schedule any more vacation at work.
I'm waiting to buy sweaters for the winter.
And most of all...I'm waiting to find out when the pain I've endured for months will end.
I'm not very good at waiting. Thought I would be, but in reality this limbo is killing me. I don't know what to do with myself. So...I'm doing a lot of killing time. I've caught up with every TV show on-demand provides. I'm making pies. I'm spending a lot of time on Facebook.
It's like I'm waiting for life to start...while trying to live life. And it somehow makes me feel a little like I'm missing out.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
changes
Breaking News: God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself.
A reporter back on the nightside shift (from an extended trip to another shift) told me yesterday that I seemed "calmer". I find this amazing, because I hadn't even realized how I'd changed in the last year or so.
I've been sober now close to three years. And while I pray every day that God take my will and guide me down a path to help others, I never really thought about until recently how that's become a reality. The too-big-brain thing has really helped with that, I think. I've been on auto-pilot for the last few weeks...letting God take the wheel rather than riding co-pilot. It's working for me.
As to the calm comment...I guess I'm not that amazed. I'm becoming the person I want to be (I've become that person?). Part of the promises is that I will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle me...and while I'm still baffled a lot of the time, it doesn't bother me.
That's what "giving it to God" is all about, I guess: pray for the best, suit up, show up, and let go of the outcome. The outcome is what always throws me for a loop...but I've let go of so much that this calmness I now seem to exude is what letting go looks like. So, whether I get the job in Louisville...have hoops to jump through at work...get brain surgery...I'm good if I do, good if I don't.
Weird.
A reporter back on the nightside shift (from an extended trip to another shift) told me yesterday that I seemed "calmer". I find this amazing, because I hadn't even realized how I'd changed in the last year or so.
I've been sober now close to three years. And while I pray every day that God take my will and guide me down a path to help others, I never really thought about until recently how that's become a reality. The too-big-brain thing has really helped with that, I think. I've been on auto-pilot for the last few weeks...letting God take the wheel rather than riding co-pilot. It's working for me.
As to the calm comment...I guess I'm not that amazed. I'm becoming the person I want to be (I've become that person?). Part of the promises is that I will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle me...and while I'm still baffled a lot of the time, it doesn't bother me.
That's what "giving it to God" is all about, I guess: pray for the best, suit up, show up, and let go of the outcome. The outcome is what always throws me for a loop...but I've let go of so much that this calmness I now seem to exude is what letting go looks like. So, whether I get the job in Louisville...have hoops to jump through at work...get brain surgery...I'm good if I do, good if I don't.
Weird.
Monday, October 4, 2010
sleep
I've always been the kind of person who's needed at least 9 hours sleep to function well. Not function. Function well. And since I've gotten sick it seems like I need so much more.
I always get up with the boy, though...and through all of this it's been nice to forget about what's going on, or how I feel to get him up and going. He's a morning person, though, so it doesn't take much to get him moving in the morning. Just ask him what kind of cereal he wants and away he goes!
These past few months I go back to bed after getting Doodle to school. I used to do that, just not every day. Now it seems like if I don't, I just won't make it.
Hubby's been great, letting me sleep in during the day. Some days I sleep until I have to get up and go to work, ie. 1:45pm.
It's like if I don't, I can't function. The headaches take that much out of me. I'm trying so hard to be myself despite the pain, fatigue and scatter-brainy-ness that I'm physically exhausted. Weird how maintaining your personality can drain you physically.
Here's the funny part: one of the symptoms of my issue is insomnia. Not only not being able to get to sleep, but once you are asleep, after a few blissful hours, waking up for no reason. No. Reason.
So that's where I am tonight. Awake. Small headache comparatively (3 on a scale of 10). It's uncomfortable to swallow...oh, and I'm awake. Did I mention I'm awake?
I always get up with the boy, though...and through all of this it's been nice to forget about what's going on, or how I feel to get him up and going. He's a morning person, though, so it doesn't take much to get him moving in the morning. Just ask him what kind of cereal he wants and away he goes!
These past few months I go back to bed after getting Doodle to school. I used to do that, just not every day. Now it seems like if I don't, I just won't make it.
Hubby's been great, letting me sleep in during the day. Some days I sleep until I have to get up and go to work, ie. 1:45pm.
It's like if I don't, I can't function. The headaches take that much out of me. I'm trying so hard to be myself despite the pain, fatigue and scatter-brainy-ness that I'm physically exhausted. Weird how maintaining your personality can drain you physically.
Here's the funny part: one of the symptoms of my issue is insomnia. Not only not being able to get to sleep, but once you are asleep, after a few blissful hours, waking up for no reason. No. Reason.
So that's where I am tonight. Awake. Small headache comparatively (3 on a scale of 10). It's uncomfortable to swallow...oh, and I'm awake. Did I mention I'm awake?
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