Job Hunting

Breaking News:  I'm looking for a new job.

Now this may not be new to some of the people around me...but...I'm not happy at work.  I put on a brave face.  I try to be positive.  I work at being a part of the solution.  Still, after nearly 2 years as senior producer, I feel like I'm pushing a rock up a hill.  It's not gotten any easier, in fact it's become more difficult to remain positive in a newsroom that's become more and more frustrating.

I did not come by this decision idly.  I've agonized over it.  I've worked in worse situations.  I am not digging ditches, waiting tables or cleaning toilets (although I've done two of the three, and gotten paid for it...guess which ones!).  It's just that I have come to a point that I think I'm better than the deal I'm getting.

The last year or so, the company I work for has hit dire straights...much like many others, we are dealing with a recession after all.  TV stations don't make money unless people advertise.  Advertising budgets get cut when business falls off.  Business is bad all over right now, so ad money is like a rare bird hiding in the forest...you know (or think) it's there, but it's a whole lot harder to catch.

So, we've had to do the whole "less with more" thing.  I am one of 2 people doing a job 3 people did 18 months ago (actually a little longer than that).  Overtime is a bad word.  And hiring people to fill empty positions is not happening (although they're interviewing...I believe-unconfirmed-that those hiring are making low-ball offers no one in their right minds, has a family, or wants to eat anything other than pb&j for the length of their contract would take).

I get the whole tightening the belt thing.  Hell, I've sold plasma before in order to put food on the table...and for beer money.  What I don't get is how it seems like those making the decisions can't seem to keep morale up in spite of it.  And it wouldn't take much...really.  A little support.  Atta boys. And most of all, explanations.  My boss, and my bosses boss like to keep things so close to the chest, that many of us in the newsroom have no idea what's going to happen next.  That causes insecurity.  Insecurity causes fear.  And as I've learned through working the steps:  fear causes resentments.  In this case, fear causes grumpiness, apathy, and an overall malaise in the newsroom.

I've tried being one of the few people keeping pep in my step.  I've tried walking around with a bitch sign over my head.  I've tried talking with my higher ups to see what we can do to fix things.

I got nothing...except a big neon sign from God that I need to move on.

SO...I'm sending out my resume.  I'm giving the guy upstairs all my worries about it.  If it's meant to happen, it will.  If I'm supposed to learn something more where I am, or teach something to someone else, I'll stay put.

I'll just try to keep the worry over the real life drama of moving...out of my mind.

I've been meaning to do this, but...

I've been meaning to start a blog for (literally) years, but...breaking news and real life drama seem to get in the way. Or at least I've let them get in the way. Seems I can put so much ahead of what makes me happy, without much thought.

Blogging is by no means a luxury. It will take work, (hopefully) some creativity...and (the big one) time.

I'm not the best at taking time for myself. It makes me feel selfish. Before I was married, and before I had my son, there were other people I could put in front of myself: my family, my friends...you name it! My husband, and then my son have become the perfect excuses to put myself last. And although being a wife, and being a mother means making some sacrifices...I know it doesn't mean I have to lose myself. At least I think I know.

See...I've been working a 12 step program for about 20 months. I've learned things about myself in that time, that in the 35 years before had been hidden from view. I hid them. I hid them behind "caring" for my friends, family, co-workers, the little guy...you name it!

So. This is a small attempt at carving out time from my demanding job, my pretty wonderful life, and my tendency to do busy work, or to do nothing in order to keep from doing what really needs to be done.

Hopefully, I keep at it.

C.